My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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