Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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