I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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