Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
