my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
