if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
