That's when you crack a 10am beer
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
