I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
