I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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