I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize