Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
How does it feel to date your dad?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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