i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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