bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
ttyl tear gas
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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