when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
