Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
