I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
