and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
