Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
