Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
