I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
