im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I can text with my tongue
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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