We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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