i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
