Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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