I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
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Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
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So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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