So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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