jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
How does one acquire holy water?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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