Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
