Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The best revenge is premature balding
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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