What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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