dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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