I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
