Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
