I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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