I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
