John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
