i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
