She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
