now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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