dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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