I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
