I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
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The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
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I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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