So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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