There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
