So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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