your thong is hanging out like whoa
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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