Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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