I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
