Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
