Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
