I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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